I've talked pretty frequently about my fears when it comes to weight loss and life in general. I live in constant a fear (that sounds so dramatic) of being judged by others; mostly because of my weight. I feel like being heavier somehow portrays certain things about my personality or my habits to people which they then use to decide who I am.
Thoughts and anxieties swirl around my head such as I must be lazy, I must eat crap all the time, I am not attractive, or I must not care about my health. Worse still, I'm not worthy of friendship or I'm not smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough, etc. to make up for my unworthiness. These anxieties really used to affect not only my self-worth, but also my ability to trust and connect with others.
As I've started exercising, eating better, sleeping better, and taking time to care for myself, I've noticed a shift. I'm not 100% confident yet and I'm only at the beginning of my journey but I'm starting to learn to love myself - belly fat and all. I'm starting to realize that my body is capable of all sorts of awesome things! I can run for miles (most of the time), I can lift heavy and hard, I can run around the house with kids I babysit for and have Nerf gun wars, and I can start to bring that confidence to other areas of my life.
I originally started this post because I found myself "hiding" in my room tonight doing a Chalene Johnson workout. I didn't want my new roommate to see how ridiculous I look jumping around with all 200+ lbs of Heather flopping about. It's the same reason I avoided the gym for many years at school - judgement (even though my roommate is super nice and sweet). I often heard people complaining that they didn't want to see fat people at the gym. "Fat people should just stay home so no one is forced to look at that." Screw that notion. Flop around, wobbly bits. You won't be there much longer...
Don't get me wrong, all those steps are NOT easy or fun or natural. Every single day is a struggle and many times I lose that struggle. I think what makes the difference is that we all keep trying to get better. Instead of the all-or-nothing attitude I've adopted in the past, I'm learning that I can make the small changes and that they start to add up. I don't have to go from McDonald's to vegan yogi standing on my head all in one day.
Also, I think I'm getting rid of Disqus soon unless I can figure out how to make it more convenient while I'm in school. It seems like email may be the best way to answer comments. I'll keep you posted!
Now I want to hear from you all! (Feel free to comment with a link to your blog post if you have answers to this questions!)
How does fear play a role in your lives?
How do you tame fear?
How have things changed since your started your fitness journey?
Ah, fear. I hear you, girl. If it makes you feel any better, fear and insecurity hits all of us. I'm not overweight, but I'm always scared of the judgement of others, even thought I know it's silly and doesn't get me anywhere. It's something to work on!
ReplyDeleteYou're beautiful and you're being healthy and I hope you continue to know that fear on its rear. ;)
Love your comment that you don't need to adopt an all or nothing mentality. That's been the biggest key for me with weight loss.
ReplyDeletePS, I like Disqus! I vote you keep it. ;)
I definitely think you are worthy of friendship :D
ReplyDeleteFear is tough. I lived with those same exact fears all through undergrad, and even now, when I've reached my goal weight, I still have fears - will I gain it all back? does anyone even notice? do they still compare me to the stick I was in high school? - So, from my experience, it's not the number on the scale that vanquishes fear, it's the confidence and the knowledge that God has made me wonderfully complex and He has declared His creation {me} marvelous - and because of that I know I am strong and beautiful and I have nothing to fear. Hope you have a great week and make new friends - I understand completely how rough it is starting out in a new city.
ReplyDeleteGirlfriend I think we have all been there at one point or another but you are sooooooooo gonna rock school and your weight loss! I just know it!
ReplyDeleteI think you are brave for sharing your fears with blogland. I admire your drive to look better and more importantly to feel better. It's completely awful that you have to feel all of these insecurities just because of what it says on your scale. People shouldn't judge you simply because THEY DON'T KNOW YOU! See how worked up I'm getting, I'm using all capitals...!! You should be very proud of your hard work so far and I hope you can crush some of those old feelings. Keep up the good work and come out of that room of yours when you exercise and let the world see that strong, determined sweaty girl!
ReplyDeleteI found you through a Twitter Suggestion email !
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Haley