Hey guys! Day two of orientation is over - one more to go! It's been a wild ride so far. I've met so many new classmates from all over the country and am slowly getting comfortable with life in Indy. I'll talk more about orientation tomorrow. Today I want to talk about my never-ending battle with fear.

I've talked pretty frequently about my fears when it comes to weight loss and life in general. I live in constant a fear (that sounds so dramatic) of being judged by others; mostly because of my weight. I feel like being heavier somehow portrays certain things about my personality or my habits to people which they then use to decide who I am.

Thoughts and anxieties swirl around my head such as I must be lazy, I must eat crap all the time, I am not attractive, or I must not care about my health. Worse still, I'm not worthy of friendship or I'm not smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough, etc. to make up for my unworthiness. These anxieties really used to affect not only my self-worth, but also my ability to trust and connect with others.

As I've started exercising, eating better, sleeping better, and taking time to care for myself, I've noticed a shift. I'm not 100% confident yet and I'm only at the beginning of my journey but I'm starting to learn to love myself - belly fat and all. I'm starting to realize that my body is capable of all sorts of awesome things! I can run for miles (most of the time), I can lift heavy and hard, I can run around the house with kids I babysit for and have Nerf gun wars, and I can start to bring that confidence to other areas of my life.

I originally started this post because I found myself "hiding" in my room tonight doing a Chalene Johnson workout. I didn't want my new roommate to see how ridiculous I look jumping around with all 200+ lbs of Heather flopping about. It's the same reason I avoided the gym for many years at school - judgement (even though my roommate is super nice and sweet). I often heard people complaining that they didn't want to see fat people at the gym. "Fat people should just stay home so no one is forced to look at that." Screw that notion. Flop around, wobbly bits. You won't be there much longer...

Don't get me wrong, all those steps are NOT easy or fun or natural. Every single day is a struggle and many times I lose that struggle. I think what makes the difference is that we all keep trying to get better. Instead of the all-or-nothing attitude I've adopted in the past, I'm learning that I can make the small changes and that they start to add up. I don't have to go from McDonald's to vegan yogi standing on my head all in one day. 

Also, I think I'm getting rid of Disqus soon unless I can figure out how to make it more convenient while I'm in school. It seems like email may be the best way to answer comments. I'll keep you posted!

Now I want to hear from you all! (Feel free to comment with a link to your blog post if you have answers to this questions!)

How does fear play a role in your lives?

How do you tame fear?

How have things changed since your started your fitness journey?

Disclaimer: Stick with me. This post is long and pretty personal but it's something you might relate to.

Over the years, I’ve thought long and hard about why it has taken so long for me to get to a place where I genuinely want to change and do so in a healthy way - no miracle wonders, fad diets, or insane routines - just plain and simple healthy eating, workouts, and dedication.  

Being overweight certainly isn’t from a lack of know-how.  I am well-aware of what it takes to lose weight and transform your body - I've done it a few times. I’ve read the books and bought the T-shirt.  While I continue to educate myself about healthy living and I’m more interested in the fitness component of weight loss, it’s clear to me that my problem is mostly psychological.

Honestly, I can’t decide if my problem is that I’m afraid of failure or that I’m afraid of success - probably both.  There is something so comforting and safe about being mediocre and it’s not all about my weight.  In so many areas of my life, I’ve allowed myself to stay within a comfort zone.  

Take school, for example. I always did well academically.  I took challenging AP and Honors classes in high school but I never pushed myself to be at the very top of the class - I was content to be where I was.  I didn’t put in more work than was necessary; instead I worked off natural ability.  This worked really well for me in high school, not so well in college when I found out I actually had to study.  What if I studied profusely for a test and I still did poorly?  Why not just settle for the B+...someone has to get a B, right?

My fear also impacted my relationships with others.  Growing up I was definitely a shy, introverted kid.  You could usually find me reading a book rather than giggling in the corner with friends.  I didn’t volunteer answers during class and I didn’t enjoy group work (hello, only child).  If I didn’t put myself out there, I wouldn’t be rejected or hurt but I missed out on forming meaningful relationships for a long time.  I’m thankful that I’ve finally broken out of my shell in that regard. College changed my personality a lot...now I won’t shut up! 

My weight serves as my own personal safety blanket.  Whenever something doesn’t go my way in life - like I perceive someone doesn't like me or I receive criticism - it’s easy to place the blame on my weight. In my opinion my weight is one of my greatest weaknesses but it’s also something I have the power to change.  By rationalizing to myself that my problems are because of this one thing I can change if I really want to, I protect myself from discovering the real reasons why I failed. Maybe that person actually does like me but I'm too self-conscious to be myself or maybe I really just need to learn from the constructive criticism. 

Up and Down - 1. Senior in HS  2. Sophomore in college  3. & 4. Senior year of college

The idea of losing my safety blanket, my own personal scapegoat for all my problems, scares the hell out of me.  What happens when I lose the weight and I no longer have that as the primary focus in my life?  How will I deal with those times when I just fall short? 

Sometimes I wonder how my relationships will be affected. Will my friends and family want to be around me?  That’s crazy, right?!  What if losing weight changes my personality or my interests or my focus in life?  Will I drift apart from people?  I’ve heard so many stories of this happening so I don’t think my concerns are unfounded but still...it’s so ridiculous.

I also wonder, what if losing the weight still isn’t good enough? Will I ever be happy with myself?  Will I continue to have a low self-esteem even at my goal weight?  Well what’s the point then...give me my chips and coke zero back, damn it!

I don’t know the answers to all these questions but I do know that I’m scared.  It makes me feel weak and out of control. 

Now for the good news. Unlike all the other times that I’ve tried and failed to lose weight, I’m finally aware of the mental games I’ve been playing with myself my whole life. I realize it’s going to be a hard battle of constantly reminding myself that it’s going to be worth it.  My hard work IS going to pay off but I have to be willing to try. And I have to learn to love myself no matter what the weight on the scale is. Baby steps, Heather.

So earlier today I said I would be discussing hot yoga.  Here’s where that comes in. Yesterday I finally got my booty up at 6:45 am to get ready for yoga class.  You might remember that I mentioned I was going a few times in previous posts.  Guess what?  I chickened out two other times.  It took me a month and a half to pluck up the courage to go. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to keep up or that all the skinny yoga mom’s would judge me.  I even had the most irrational thoughts that they would turn me away or laugh at me (really?). 

Was I the biggest girl in the room? Probably.  Did I feel awkward and anxious? Absolutely.  But did I survive? You bet...and I really, really enjoyed myself!  It was the most gratifying feeling to see the beads of sweat pouring off of me for the entire 60 minutes (granted I had some help from the 95 degree room).  And aside from a few inversion-like poses, I did a damn good job of keeping up too!  I even signed up for a student membership for the rest of the summer.

Then there’s the running. My 5K is on Saturday and while I haven’t stuck to my training like I should, I am pumped.  Never did I ever think I would be able to run - let alone enjoy it!  It’s these little things that have made me realize lately that I am capable of far more than I give myself credit for.

People say you are your own worst critic - I’ll agree I’ve earned that title.  I can tear my self down quicker than anyone and laugh while doing it just to beat you to the punch (ahhh..self-depricating humor).  

Why not sublimate all that effort, pain, and fear into something positive for once? I’ve let my fear of being anything greater or less than mediocre control my life for way too long.  I want to be healthy and strong and I know if I do it the right way, I will be nothing but proud of myself.

Now I want to hear from you guys!
Have you ever felt like this?
What inspires you to let go of your anxiety and fear?