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Hello everybody! Welcome to Weigh-In Wednesday!

Please go check out my sweet co-hosts & make sure to say hi!

Amy @ Write This Down

Bailey @ Being Bailey J

Ash @ A Step in the Right Direction

What an interesting few days it's been. I'm currently stuck in my own head right now - I told you the anxiety was setting in about school - and today is all about me working on getting out. 

I haven't weighed myself today (yet), quite frankly I know what I'm going to see. Plateau. Or gain. I could see a loss at this point but I would still feel ill inside.

I'm a big believer in a holistic approach to health and that most things going on mentally find a way to manifest physically. By extension these mental inconsistencies manifest in my environment in ways like the cleanliness of my room and whether my hair stays in a top knot for three days or not (it did.) 

I'll be honest. After my last trip of the summer and last time spending time with friends for awhile, things have changed. The realization that I'm leaving Nick, his family, and my family soon is very real. My excitement for school has utterly melted away and has been replaced by a lot of anxiety, fear, and a little depression. How am I coping right now? I'm retreating.  

Why is that the toughest part of this journey comes right after significant success? I was doing SO well. Why is it so hard to continue to ride the waves right on down to my goal? There always has to be a setback or plateau.

I guess if it were easy, everyone would do it. But it's also what makes victory so sweet.

A lot of things don't make sense when I'm this stressed and anxious about the future like my propensity to push people away and isolate myself when I'm about to experience major change. I internalize or lash out. I did it with college, now I'm doing it with medical school. The thing is, a lot has changed in 5 years so there's no reason to keep repeating this destructive behavior.

So what's next? Well, I'm getting up early and going for a run because I'm not going to let myself be a miserable person for the next two weeks. I'm not going  talk myself back into the old ways of doing things - using food for comfort, reverting back to an introvert, or skipping workouts - because the old ways sucked. They sucked up all my energy, my happiness, and my progress. Sure it's comfortable but it's not happening again.

I realize this post is a change from my usual upbeat & positive outlook but I said from the beginning that I was going to be open and honest about this journey. 

I knew if I posted something about rainbows and happy-bright-things I would be "talking the talk" but not "walking the walk." I'm not going to do that. I'm going to whole-heartedly admit that I've failed this week. I've skipped workouts, I've eaten crap, and even QUIT in the middle of a run. Just quit and went to my car, drove home, and never looked back. On top of that, I've been pretty damn rude and dismissive to a few select people (that I know can take it) and it feels awful.

Turning over a new leaf starting NOW. I appreciate this time to vent and now I'm looking forward to a successful rest of the week. Unlike in the past, I have a whole community to draw inspiration and support from so for that, I thank you.

On a positive note, I have revamped my sponsorship options. I still have swaps available, but only for a limited time! Ash and I are offering 50% off all paid sponsorship ads for those who link up for Weigh In Wednesday. (Obviously it needs to be a relevant post. We will be checking!) MY promo code is: WIW50. Just check out the Sponsor tab and Passionfruit will do the rest!

Now let's get to linking up, shall we?

Disclaimer: Stick with me. This post is long and pretty personal but it's something you might relate to.

Over the years, I’ve thought long and hard about why it has taken so long for me to get to a place where I genuinely want to change and do so in a healthy way - no miracle wonders, fad diets, or insane routines - just plain and simple healthy eating, workouts, and dedication.  

Being overweight certainly isn’t from a lack of know-how.  I am well-aware of what it takes to lose weight and transform your body - I've done it a few times. I’ve read the books and bought the T-shirt.  While I continue to educate myself about healthy living and I’m more interested in the fitness component of weight loss, it’s clear to me that my problem is mostly psychological.

Honestly, I can’t decide if my problem is that I’m afraid of failure or that I’m afraid of success - probably both.  There is something so comforting and safe about being mediocre and it’s not all about my weight.  In so many areas of my life, I’ve allowed myself to stay within a comfort zone.  

Take school, for example. I always did well academically.  I took challenging AP and Honors classes in high school but I never pushed myself to be at the very top of the class - I was content to be where I was.  I didn’t put in more work than was necessary; instead I worked off natural ability.  This worked really well for me in high school, not so well in college when I found out I actually had to study.  What if I studied profusely for a test and I still did poorly?  Why not just settle for the B+...someone has to get a B, right?

My fear also impacted my relationships with others.  Growing up I was definitely a shy, introverted kid.  You could usually find me reading a book rather than giggling in the corner with friends.  I didn’t volunteer answers during class and I didn’t enjoy group work (hello, only child).  If I didn’t put myself out there, I wouldn’t be rejected or hurt but I missed out on forming meaningful relationships for a long time.  I’m thankful that I’ve finally broken out of my shell in that regard. College changed my personality a lot...now I won’t shut up! 

My weight serves as my own personal safety blanket.  Whenever something doesn’t go my way in life - like I perceive someone doesn't like me or I receive criticism - it’s easy to place the blame on my weight. In my opinion my weight is one of my greatest weaknesses but it’s also something I have the power to change.  By rationalizing to myself that my problems are because of this one thing I can change if I really want to, I protect myself from discovering the real reasons why I failed. Maybe that person actually does like me but I'm too self-conscious to be myself or maybe I really just need to learn from the constructive criticism. 

Up and Down - 1. Senior in HS  2. Sophomore in college  3. & 4. Senior year of college

The idea of losing my safety blanket, my own personal scapegoat for all my problems, scares the hell out of me.  What happens when I lose the weight and I no longer have that as the primary focus in my life?  How will I deal with those times when I just fall short? 

Sometimes I wonder how my relationships will be affected. Will my friends and family want to be around me?  That’s crazy, right?!  What if losing weight changes my personality or my interests or my focus in life?  Will I drift apart from people?  I’ve heard so many stories of this happening so I don’t think my concerns are unfounded but still...it’s so ridiculous.

I also wonder, what if losing the weight still isn’t good enough? Will I ever be happy with myself?  Will I continue to have a low self-esteem even at my goal weight?  Well what’s the point then...give me my chips and coke zero back, damn it!

I don’t know the answers to all these questions but I do know that I’m scared.  It makes me feel weak and out of control. 

Now for the good news. Unlike all the other times that I’ve tried and failed to lose weight, I’m finally aware of the mental games I’ve been playing with myself my whole life. I realize it’s going to be a hard battle of constantly reminding myself that it’s going to be worth it.  My hard work IS going to pay off but I have to be willing to try. And I have to learn to love myself no matter what the weight on the scale is. Baby steps, Heather.

So earlier today I said I would be discussing hot yoga.  Here’s where that comes in. Yesterday I finally got my booty up at 6:45 am to get ready for yoga class.  You might remember that I mentioned I was going a few times in previous posts.  Guess what?  I chickened out two other times.  It took me a month and a half to pluck up the courage to go. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to keep up or that all the skinny yoga mom’s would judge me.  I even had the most irrational thoughts that they would turn me away or laugh at me (really?). 

Was I the biggest girl in the room? Probably.  Did I feel awkward and anxious? Absolutely.  But did I survive? You bet...and I really, really enjoyed myself!  It was the most gratifying feeling to see the beads of sweat pouring off of me for the entire 60 minutes (granted I had some help from the 95 degree room).  And aside from a few inversion-like poses, I did a damn good job of keeping up too!  I even signed up for a student membership for the rest of the summer.

Then there’s the running. My 5K is on Saturday and while I haven’t stuck to my training like I should, I am pumped.  Never did I ever think I would be able to run - let alone enjoy it!  It’s these little things that have made me realize lately that I am capable of far more than I give myself credit for.

People say you are your own worst critic - I’ll agree I’ve earned that title.  I can tear my self down quicker than anyone and laugh while doing it just to beat you to the punch (ahhh..self-depricating humor).  

Why not sublimate all that effort, pain, and fear into something positive for once? I’ve let my fear of being anything greater or less than mediocre control my life for way too long.  I want to be healthy and strong and I know if I do it the right way, I will be nothing but proud of myself.

Now I want to hear from you guys!
Have you ever felt like this?
What inspires you to let go of your anxiety and fear?

Quick post here for Wednesday!  

I just weighed in and I was up +0.8 lbs, overall loss 8.2 lbs.  I wasn't surprised since I let things go last week eating wise and I didn't stick to my workouts.  Why? I caught the lazy bug. 

Can we talk about temptation for a bit?  I am a glorified child & adult babysitter  for 60 hours a week (48 with oldies & 12 with kids) which means I'm not home a lot.  First, what is it with elderly people and their desire to keep four types of ice cream, cakes, chips, cookies, and sugar sculptures in their house?  What's worse is they want to offer it to me multiple times a night despite the fact that I've told them I'm trying to eat healthier as I sit and munch on my celery sticks and pretend they are peanut brittle. Let's not even get started on the kids...they eat pretty healthy but they still love fruit snacks, pb&j, and the almighty Cheez-its. Homemade cookies are everywhere but don't mind me...I'm eating my enormous salad.  

Enter these babies: 

Look!  They are even "natural."  No, I didn't give in.  But I did eat some Lay's last night.  I couldn't take it anymore. I was starving at 3 am & that little bit of salt hit the spot.  So much for standing up to those cravings.  

Temptation is a tricky thing. I don't know whether it's better to indulge or to build up my "willpower."  It's something I'm trying to figure out.  Any advice?  How do you deal with temptations and cravings?  I realize these first few days are going to be the hardest - hopefully it will get better.  It's just really hard when you do decide to give in and end up feeling so crappy. Ugh.

Enough of the negative...I'm reenergized & doing MUCH better this week (handful of Lay's aside).  I even did an impromptu workout yesterday just because I had a little extra time to work with than usual.  It felt GREAT to move just because I wanted to instead of because I "had to." I'm super sore today (I really need to do a better job of stretching) but I'm determined to get a run & boot camp in today.

My workout from yesterday:

I started my watch too early - only a 30 min workout

 I did a 15 minute HIIT with Chalene on Turbofire.  In college, a few of my friends and I would do her Turbo Jam workouts in our sorority living room.  It was hilarious!  That's when I decided to buy TF but I never actually completed the whole program...consistency is an issue for me.  I don't really enjoy working out alone so it was kind of depressing to do the workouts in my room everyday. Whomp Whomp.  I also did the Summer Arms with the TIU girlies from their Beach Babe DVD!  

Here's to a better week!